Wishing

My best friend Eprime told me once, probably in mid-September 2001, that all she could do was wish that it didn't happen - both the terrorist stuff and her mother dying. I remember feeling it was strange that I didn't feel like that about M - that I didn't think, over and over again, i wish it didn't happen, I wish it didn't happen. In a very real sense I couldn't - I couldn't imagine it not having happened enough to wish for it. I felt so utterly changed that being who I was at 8:45 am on August 30 was as inaccessible to me as being Winston Churchill.

Now, suddenly, it's not. I suddenly can't breathe for wishing, wishing, wishing everything would just roll back and start again - clean and straight and without big ugly blotches of pain.

I had my mind and my heart in a box before. I want it back.

I want to have my act halfway together.

I want... I can't even articulate what I want. Probably the one consistent piece is things that I can't have, whether right now (like distances between me and certain other people) or ever (feelings that obey laws of rationality.)

I want an off button for my head.

Note to self

Random lj-hopping is not a way to cheer up one's insommniac self. Too much bad grammer and painful netspeak and people who seem to have vast devoted fan clubs who cheer and praise and pet them for their every breath.

And being irritated and jealous is not conducive to sleep.